Top 5 reactions to poop in mouth
by adamhuckeby
Yep, you read that right. I have had poop in my mouth. First, I’ll answer the three most obvious questions:
- No, it wasn’t MY poop.
- No, it wasn’t on purpose.
- I think perhaps we are to love…THAT, my friends, is the meaning of life.
Now, for the scoop on the poop…
When my beautiful first born daughter was all of a few months old, she was small enough to bathe in our kitchen sink…which was very cute and we have a lot of pictures. It was always such an incredible experience to see her floating there, small enough to hold in the palm of my hand. I was usually in awe when I wasn’t just having fun.
My experience with diapers wasn’t what you would call at expert level at the time. I had changed a few, and was able to do so without incident. This time, I would regret my decision to “try something new.”
My daughter had just finished taking care of business and it was my turn (don’t let that fool you – my wife did most of the diapers…by “turn” I mean, maybe 1 in 5 – or worse…) Anyway, I decided that since she was such a mess, and she would have to have a bath, it would be much quicker to skip the middle part of wiping and cleaning and just skip straight to the sink.
I held my daughter up with one hand under her arms (she was very small), and with the other hand I reached for the sprayer, as she reached for something entirely less innocent with her hand. I had already turned on the water to get it the right temperature and was just about to “hose her down” when she firmly planted her entire hand, up to her wrist, in my mouth.
I thought it was so cute until I realized there was something on her hand.
You know, when I used to hold her when we’d walk down stairs, or on slippery pavement, I would always think about how if I fell, I would cradle her at all costs…even if it mean breaking my neck…to protect her. It was time to put this instinct to the test.
In a moment I realized exactly what was on her hand (her reaching back with the other hand to get another load was a pretty good clue). I screamed.
To her credit, my wife ran in like she was on fire to see what was the matter. As I passed off the child I had just saved from falling onto the tile in that moment of realization, I said something like, “Uh thukk uh haa oop in muh mouth.”
The top 5 reactions to having poop in your mouth:
- SCREAM LIKE A GIRL FIRST, THEN SPIT A LOT AND RUN IN CIRCLES GOING “AHHHHHUUGH AHHHHHHHUGH” AND SHUTTER THEN BURN YOUR ESOPHAGUS WITH AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF LISTERENE. Then, you can laugh about it later – MUCH LATER.
There are no other reactions…the title was a bait and switch. I mean, come on…what would you do?
Ok fine…
- Throw up (which wouldn’t actually help)
- Chew on one of your lawn mowing shoes
- Lick the carpet
- French kiss the dog
